ATONE, ATTUNE, ATTACH - The Restored Marriage
How to Restore Relationship After an Affair
ATONE, ATTUNE, ATTACH - How to Restore Relationship After an Affair
The Gottman’s created a 3 Step Process, atone, attune, attach,
that's congruent with my other training.
The process may take anywhere from a couple months, to up to a year or more, depending on the existing resourcefulness in the couples relationship.
Definitely requires full commitment from both partners because it's a heroic dose of soul work for both.
Nobody gets to adulthood without being wounded to the core
& this work exposes core wounds, traumas, intergenerational patterns & presents huge opportunities for personal growth & healing.
Life is messy.
Love makes no sense.
(At lease the logic of the heart operates on a much different octave)
The soul-shattering heart-ache of attachment pain can be the deepest & most real pain but interestingly, pretty much
impossible to see or measure.
I'll pre-empt this by stating that as a relationship coach I hear
many horror stories from clients about their past experiences with couples therapists that went horribly wrong, or were super confusing or possibly even made matters worse.
Especially when a therapist's wounds, biases or past trauma's start to show up & begin to warp the space.
Truth is couples therapy is actually combined therapy - and requires the highest levels of skill from the therapist, and can be most challenging.
Therapy moves at the geological speed - that is, the speed of rocks.
Slowly, with presence.
The therapist must be diligent to track their own issues, biases, judgments & transferences throughout the process so that it doesn't muddy up the psycho-dynamic field.
#1. Atone Phase - is the toughest and takes TIME.
It requires the most presence & strongest leadership frame from the facilitator.
Terms & agreements are set-up such as avoiding the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse criticism, contempt,
defensiveness or stonewalling.
Possible things that come up:
Deep pain of betrayal trauma.
Identifying conflict avoidance patterns in the couple.
Pacing is set by the therapist with special attention to the needs
of the betrayed partner and addressing any questions they may
have about the affair directly.
Big Questions such WHY IT HAPPENED and TRUST REPAIR are
deferred to later in the process.
There needs to be a SLOW scaffolding of gradually rebuilding emotional safety, in this atone phase.
#2. Attune Phase - this is about developing listening skills …
and tools to regulate the nervous system for optimal communication
& diffusing large emotional charges.
In somatic (body-centered) practice we emphasize the two most important qualities in this phase: presence & attunement,
presence
&
attunement.
My parents, married 50 years,
said that the secret to their relationship success was simple:
we listen to each other.
Attunement is also about looking at the patterns of conflict avoidance,
as well as tracking bids for connection
(and when & where the bids for connection have not been met)
addressing problems that may have arisen in the aftermath of regrettable events or fights,
including both affair-oriented & non-affair oriented.
There are a number of attunement & mis-attunement patterns that I guide my clients to learn about in the relationship mastery resource kit.
In the Attune Phase of Affair Recovery, the couples may indirectly discover together why the affair happened, but not worked on directly.
#3. Attach Phase - this phase is about rebuilding passion, trust, commitment & loyalty.
I like to call sex the superglue that holds healthy attachment together.
Not junk food sex, but soul satisfying, pheonix f*ck sex that provides a completely cosmic rebirth of both people.
Intimacy is one of the most challenging fires to tend.
The bedroom is the most profound playground to do shadow work.
The ripple effect of seeing & approaching sex, inside the committed container of your relationship, as an area for personal growth, is great.
The masculine axis: backbone, heart & balls.
(tap the image to hear my 14 minute talk on the masculine trinity)
The weaving: the primal & the divine & the alchemy of relational union.
The keys to unlock it, self-trust, courage & skillful communication.
In the (re-) attachment phase, the couple may also begin to rewrite the story of their relationship with a new sense of shared meaning-making as to why the affair happened,
which also can re-build trust.
All in all there are alot of myths about affairs
& each time this happens is as unique as the uniqueness of the
relationship it happens within,
so there are road-maps & guide-rails that a skilled therapist can
walk you through,
but ultimately it is a soulful & often painful process of [self]
discovery throughout the journey.
Check out my premium couples coaching package, The Restored Marriage, HERE.
Check out my premium couples coaching package, The Restored Marriage, HERE.